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It's time It’s time. The sounds of labored breathing. The beeps the heart monitor makes next to you. The loudspeakers going off, yelling the words “CODE” and various numbers. You don’t know what any of it means. The wheels squeaking slightly as they roll over the floors. Nurses yawning. Doctors whispering. The smell of burnt coffee in a Styrofoam cup. The ice cubes you’re allowed to chew on. The pain. The fear. The anticipation. The joy. It’s time. The baby’s coming. Every wo

The First Date The first date with Book Boyfriend was magic. He chose a table near a heater so I would be warm. He touched my hand. He made me laugh. He was handsome. The first date was magic. Wasn’t it? Well… he did seem a little uneasy at times. His eyes were shifting a lot. I actually noted it at one point. “What do you keep looking at?” I said, smiling. He stopped then and his gaze found me again. “I just like to be aware of my surroundings,” he replied as he lifted his g

Monsters I want to tell you about our wedding vows. I want to tell you, but I cannot. The truth is, I do not remember them. Mine or his. At least, not in their entirety. I know I said that I wished for him my entire life. Every birthday candle, every shooting star. The same wish. Him . I am not sure what to wish for anymore. When the clock strikes 11:11, maybe it is foolish to wish for true love again. Maybe I should have been more specific. True love that lasts. I know he vo

But before we say goodbye... I like writing about falling in love. I have a harder time writing about the endings. I want to squeeze as many sweet moments and fond memories into the pages as I can before we say goodbye. I want to tell you about the full moon. Each month, Book Boyfriend and I would have a bonfire on the full moon. We would sit by the flames and enjoy a drink of hot cocoa, tea, or champagne. We would stay off our phones for the most part and simply be together.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... “Happy New Year!” I raise my glass along with everyone else on the dance floor. The room is covered in glitter and champagne. My satin dress and fur coat glow under the disco ball, along with all the other gorgeous women dressed to the nines. For a split moment, time really does slow down with the start of a new year. A blur of smiles, alcohol spilling onto the floor, people kissing. Aw… people kissing. I want that. I want that every year, don

"Have you ever heard of the Five Love Languages?" I ask Book Boyfriend one day while sprinkling sumac on his rice. ( Sumac on rice is really good, by the way. You should try it. ) “I think so, but I don’t remember what they are. Remind me.” He is wearing a pale blue shirt today. I love when he wears this shirt. Blue makes his olive toned skin look even darker. The shirt hugs his biceps as I watch him cut vegetables for dinner. I am distracted for a moment as my eyes take him

Christmas Cards Growing up, I used to have a friend named Kelsey. Every December my family would go to her house for dinner. I always looked forward to this meal for a variety of reasons. One: Kelsey was a really good friend. Two: Kelsey’s older brothers were cute. Three: the Christmas cards. Kelsey’s family had a funny tradition of proudly displaying all the Christmas cards they received and then having guests vote on the most attractive family. The entire door leading to th

Ouch. My heart is being pulled in too many directions, none of them good. Thanksgiving 2021 Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. My husband and I are already dressed in our cozy sweaters, sinking into the sofa of my in-laws’ house. We are each holding giant mugs of coffee. The house smells like a lovely combination of vanilla Coffee-mate, stuffing, and pumpkin pie. If I could bottle any scent and turn it into a candle, it would be this one. PJ is two. We are trying to get him

See you tomorrow. Book Boyfriend and my son did not see each other the next day (much to PJ’s disappointment). But they did see each other again. And the next time, they were both slightly more comfortable. PJ showed him more of his toys. Book Boyfriend pretended to find them interesting, telling me later, in private, that some of them were "actually pretty cool." As time passed, they became comfortable with each other. PJ grew used to his shiny red car pulling into the drive

It wasn’t real. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind. Like my relationship with my ex-husband never actually happened. It was all just a dream. I didn’t gift him Hershey kisses every September 18 to commemorate our first kiss. He didn’t sneak into my dorm room window one night when I was sad to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. We didn’t go to Olive Garden for lunch dates in between classes. I didn’t save every letter he wrote me. I didn’t pocket every receipt

“Is that Daddy?” Those three words broke my heart. “No, baby. Daddy’s at his house. Mommy just has a friend over. I’m so sorry if we woke you up,” I whisper, rubbing his back. He’s lying in his race car bed wearing red and white striped pajamas, looking like a little candy cane. Book Boyfriend is downstairs on the couch. PJ must have heard a man’s voice and assumed. “Why don’t you try to go back to sleep, sweetie?” I say, kissing his temple. To my surprise, he shoots upright

"I was wondering what took so long." I told him I loved him. He made a joke. Eh… could be worse, right? At least he didn’t say, “ We are just friends ,” or “ I don’t like you at all. ” There’s a part of me that appreciated his response. If there was one thing I knew about Book Boyfriend, he wasn’t going to say something unless he meant it. That was a small kindness, I think. Maybe he feels it and just can’t say it? Maybe he doesn’t feel it? Maybe he's scared? Maybe my life is

Like You Don’t Even Exist That’s what I wanted it to feel like...a clean slate, a digital erasure. I didn’t mean to. I swear it was an accident. I never look at our old photos or videos anymore. I didn't read old texts. I deleted most of them. ( I thought. ) There’s no more evidence that we ever loved each other, no texts where he’s saying he misses me or calling me “baby.” No pictures of us cuddling or videos of us dancing. Leave no trace behind. His Guitar Once again, I for

"We are all ten days apart!" October has always been my favorite month. You can call it basic if you want, but who doesn’t love a pumpkin coffee, a cozy sweater, and a hayride? October also just so happened to be the month when all the most exciting things happened in my life. I fell in love with my husband in October. I got married in October. My birthday is in October, and I had my son in October. In fact, my son is exactly ten days apart from me. I’m ten days apart from my

Warm Milk "My s ister is like my best friend,” I explain to Book Boyfriend one night over dinner. We’re sitting at the bar, enjoying pasta and espresso martinis. I secretly love when there aren’t any tables and we have to sit at the bar because it’s an excuse to be closer to him. I get rewarded with the feeling of his fingers brushing the back of my neck or his shoulder grazing mine. Small jolts of electricity each time, traveling all the way down to my fingertips. We’re talk

Team Mario or Team Book Boyfriend I left the date with Mario feeling hopeful and excited. Okay, maybe there are other men in the world aside from my ex-husband and Book Boyfriend. Who knew? The next morning I woke up to two "Good Morning" texts. Oh...this is weird. I respond to each of them and all of a sudden feel a tiny bit sick to my stomach. How do people date more than one person? What if I accidentally text the wrong one? How will I find time to date them, work full-tim

The Prologue It’s been a while… Now, where were we? Oh yes...I was tragically falling in love with my situationship. We still hadn’t decided to be monogamous, so naturally, I felt the butterflies in my stomach, the heat in my cheeks, and all I saw were danger signs. Maybe it’s time to get back on those dating apps. After all, you can’t fall in love with Book Boyfriend. It won’t work. You just need a distraction, a reminder that there are other good guys out there. Yeah, put y

This House The house smells like cardboard boxes. The hallways are filled with the sounds of tape ripping and bubble wrap popping. I’m...

I was there. You told me you loved me. I said, “I’m not ready to say it yet. Hope that’s okay.” You kissed me. I was there. I pulled you...

Doom Scrolling We all do it, don't we? We promise ourselves not to look at our phones before bed, insist it will only be five more...