See you tomorrow

“Is that Daddy?”

Those three words broke my heart.

“No, baby. Daddy’s at his house. Mommy just has a friend over. I’m so sorry if we woke you up,” I whisper, rubbing his back. He’s lying in his race car bed wearing red and white striped pajamas, looking like a little candy cane. Book Boyfriend is downstairs on the couch. PJ must have heard a man’s voice and assumed.

“Why don’t you try to go back to sleep, sweetie?” I say, kissing his temple.

To my surprise, he shoots upright and declares, “No Mommy. I want to meet your friend.”

He climbs out of bed and walks straight toward the door.

Well… we did say it was time to start taking steps forward. I sigh, shrug, and follow PJ down the stairs.

Weird YouTube Videos

PJ reaches the bottom of the stairs and I think Book Boyfriend might pass out.

“Oh,” he says, shaking his head and blinking wildly in disbelief. “Hi.”

He gets off the couch and offers to shake PJ’s hand. It’s both adorable and ridiculous.

PJ taps his hand and then runs to the couch, wrapping himself in a blanket. He glances at Book Boyfriend, then tells me to sit with him. I curl beside him and tell him he can watch five minutes of TV before heading back to bed. He chooses a chaotic YouTube video where the characters from Cars have been edited into zombies.

Book Boyfriend tries so hard to keep up.

“You like this one? What’s this car’s name? How did they become zombies?”

PJ is gripping my arm like he’s on a roller coaster, but slowly he starts answering this strange, muscular man’s questions and loosens his grip. Eventually, he gets comfortable enough to ask me for water.

I ask Book Boyfriend if he wants one too and head to the kitchen. From the sink, I can hear them talking.

“So… you have a pretty cool mom,” Book Boyfriend says.

“Yeah. She is,” PJ replies.

By the time I walk back in, PJ has scooted closer and is now showing him every car toy he owns. I bite my lip to hide the grin forming.

After PJ finishes his water, I tell him it’s time to head back to bed. He refuses because “it’s too fun.”

Book Boyfriend gives me a sympathetic look and stands. “Actually buddy, it’s time for me to go now.”

PJ walks him to the door and says, “See you tomorrow!”

Book Boyfriend shoots me a side eye, trying not to laugh. “Yeah… tomorrow, bud.”

Those three words started stitching my heart back together.

Debrief

Once PJ is finally tucked in with his night-light glowing, I’m almost out the door when he says, “Your friend should sleep over next time. It’s cold outside. I can sleep in your bed and he can take my race car bed.”

I try not to laugh. I tell him I’ll let him know and close the door.

Later, I get a text from Book Boyfriend:

“I hope I did okay. I wasn’t sure what to say.”

I reassure him he did great.

These boys. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Mom Amber

Still, once the house was quiet again, I felt oddly exposed.

Book Boyfriend hadn’t just met my son, he had met a completely different version of me.

Mom Amber.

Mom Amber isn’t overtly flirty.

She isn’t focused on him and his big arms.

She isn’t blushing every time he makes a joke.

She is confident, but softer.

Playful, but a little more serious.

Tired. Slightly overstimulated.

Overwhelmed, but pretending she is in full control.

She is the Amber he knows, and somehow someone else entirely.

It was scary to let him see that side of me.

Scary to let another man step into the world I’ve built for my son and me, our tiny sanctuary of safety and stability that I’ve fought like hell to protect.

Now there’s someone new inside our little family orbit.

And the question is no longer “Will he like me?”

It’s:

Will he want to stay?