October

"We are all ten days apart!"

October has always been my favorite month. You can call it basic if you want, but who doesn’t love a pumpkin coffee, a cozy sweater, and a hayride?

October also just so happened to be the month when all the most exciting things happened in my life. I fell in love with my husband in October. I got married in October. My birthday is in October, and I had my son in October.

In fact, my son is exactly ten days apart from me. I’m ten days apart from my ex-husband. A fun fact I decided to share with every nurse in the hospital when I went into labor as well. "Wow! We are all ten days apart!" I remember the nurses ignoring me while I ranted about my tiny family and our magical birthdays.

October

I love October.

But.

It’s also the month we first brought up divorce. Late, heartbreaking conversations on our sofa. Tea in our hands, tears down our cheeks.

And now our wedding anniversary has turned into a date on the calendar that doesn’t mean anything at all.

And I don’t tell people the fun fact about all three of us being ten days apart anymore, because there’s no longer the three of us.

I love October.

But.

I notice it more. That I’m not wearing a ring. It feels heavier this month. Strange.

I love October.

But.

There are smells and tastes this month that make me think of him. You know I never had a pumpkin beer until I met him. I just tried having one, and I couldn’t finish it. Even after all this time.

I used to surprise him every October with a bag of candy corn. He loves candy corn. I don’t buy it anymore because, well, I never really liked it. Still, though, my stomach drops just for a moment the first time I see it on the shelves in the fall. Still.

He used to be a really big Dunkin’ Donuts guy. I actually used to love surprising him in the fall with a large pumpkin iced coffee, light and sweet, and his three favorite donuts. Let’s see… there was chocolate glazed, strawberry frosted… and I don’t remember the last one.

I hate that I don’t remember that. I wish I could text him and ask him what it was.

I love October.

But.

I miss his mom’s snickerdoodle cake. She made it for me every year on my birthday. I wonder if I should ask for the recipe.

I love October.

But.

This is the month we vowed to stay together forever. This is also the month we decided not to keep that promise.

Who can live with half a heart?

Soon, he will be making that vow to someone else.

It’s a strange feeling, like someone willingly gave you half of their heart to hold forever, but they need it back now to give to someone new.

I can’t remember if I gave it back willingly or made him pry it from my hands.

I gave it to him because he needed it more than me.

I held on to it because I didn’t know what happened to the piece of my heart that I gave to him.

And I needed to have something.

After all...Who can live with only half a heart?

I still don’t know where to find the other half of my own heart. But his. His he has back. And that’s okay. It shouldn’t belong to me anymore.

And the only time I’m sad about this is

...October.

How many more days until November?