Onions have layers. I have an onion.

What are we?

I'm finding it really difficult keep things "casual" with Book Boyfriend. Almost every other month, I try to have the "what are we?" discussion, and the response is usually the same. He's not interested in anything serious, but we're enjoying ourselves. (I suspect that's a red flag, but when we met, I wasn't seeking a relationship either, so maybe it's more of a beige flag?)

No matter the flag's color, it's evident that I need to be less attached and remain open to possibilities. Hmm. I wonder who's on those dating apps...

Reactivate

Swipe left, swipe left, swipe left.

Oh wait, he seems cute. I can’t really tell what he looks like from these pics. His bio is funny though. Hey, why not?… swipe right.

2 hours later… it’s a match!

“Hi there…”

Long Distance

It turns out he's funny, cute, and kind, and incredibly easy to talk to. Since he lives just over an hour away, we've decided to take our time getting to know each other online before arranging an actual date.

He’s really vulnerable. The kind of person you can get to know easily because he allows you to connect with him. He appreciates good food. He loves his dog. He tells me about his last relationship. She was some fitness model (I don’t like her). He tells me about his friends. He’s really close with his boss (I think that’s awesome). He talks about his best friend; she’s a musician, and you can tell he adores her. I remember thinking their friendship sounded solid and, honestly, super cute. He tells me about his family. He has siblings, but they aren’t that close. I think that’s sad because I can’t imagine not talking to mine. He tells me about his mom. She’s ill, and he has the responsibility of looking after her. He doesn't want to voice any complaints, but it's evident that it's draining both physically and emotionally. He works A LOT. When we first met, he was working almost daily. In addition to his constant work and caring for his mother, he decided to join the police academy to better equip himself for the future. During that time, I felt tired whenever we talked because I could feel his exhaustion. Despite all this busyness and self-sacrifice, he still maintains his charm.

Virtual Dates

Texting turns into phone calls. Phone calls turn into FaceTimes.

We spot trends on TikTok and share them with each other. We're especially intrigued by the trend of wrapping vanilla ice cream in a Fruit Roll-Up. We try it together over FaceTime and agree that it lives up to the hype.

I inform him that I can't bake and further demonstrate this by filming myself trying to bake cookies and failing terribly. He remains supportive of my culinary attempts, despite the failures.

After weeks of “dating” virtually we decide to finally get a real date on the calendar.

I’m not feeling well

We schedule the date and mark it on our calendars. It's really going to happen. When it’s only a few weeks away, he has to cancel for a big group dinner with his closest friends. Normally, I would be upset, but this is a man who deserves to have some fun and relaxation. We will have our time. Plus, I haven’t been feeling well lately.

One night he shoots me a text to ask how I’m doing. I want to lie and say, “Good. How are you?” I know that’s what he’s expecting...a normal response. But instead, I completely break down. I tell him I'm going through a really tough time. The divorce is hard, being a single mom is hard, work is hard, dating is hard. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just scared...and I'm just sad.

“Have you eaten yet?”

“…no? But I can’t drive an hour and a half right now,” I respond.

“No one’s driving. How does sushi and a movie night sound?”

An hour later I’m sitting in front of my tv with sushi on my living room table, attempting to press “play” on my remote at the exact same time as him. He paid for my dinner and we chose a movie together.

We watch the whole movie over the phone, laughing and predicting what might happen next. Once it finishes, we discuss it. For the first time in a long while, I go to sleep with a smile. I still consider this virtual movie night one of the kindest gestures anyone has shown me, especially when all I wanted was to stay in bed and cry. That night was a reminder of how good, and fun, and magical life can be. I will smile again. I will laugh again. Everything will be alright.

Onions

One day, he sends me a vulnerable text. Given that I worked at a church at the time, he wants to talk about the afterlife. I have a feeling this is less about a sudden interest in theology and more about his mom’s illness. She must not be doing well.

I call him. We talk for hours. I’m not sure if anything I'm saying is right. I'm not sure if I'm being comforting or helpful at all...but I'm trying. Maybe that was all he needed that night. We hang up. I say a prayer for his mother. I say a prayer for him. I hope he will be okay.

After that phone call, I realize how special and unique our relationship is. We're just two strangers who have never met in person, yet we help each other navigate the unimaginable and unfair parts of life.

“You’re in my onion now,” he says to me one night.

“I’m sorry?… What?” I reply, laughing.

Onion Man explained to me that his relationships resemble an onion. People have access to various layers of his life. The deeper the layer, the closer you are to him, and once you're part of his onion, you never leave. It may sound silly, but being included in this man's onion signifies that he believes you'll have a lasting role in his life. He clarified that the role might not be romantic, but it will always be there. Being part of his onion is a special place for those he trusts and cares about. As silly as this is, it's also adorable. Being a part of this man's onion melted my heart. I guess he is in mine too.

Onion Man Epilogue

We never met in person. No one did anything wrong; we just drifted apart. I think he thought I was friend-zoning him. Maybe I was. As my relationship with Book Boyfriend developed, I wanted to respect him by not messaging other men. Additionally, I didn't want to give Onion Man the wrong impression while I was still interested in someone else.

His mother passed away about a year later. I reached out to offer my condolences and wish him well. As always, it was really nice to talk to him.

The end... but deep down, as we were making small talk, I'm hoping I'm still part of his onion. And sometimes, just sometimes, I can't help but wonder what might have happened if we met in person. With love, your virtual friend xoxo.