Creepy Calvin

(All names of men I dated have been changed to respect their privacy.)

Swipe Right

I'm starting to get the hang of this dating app thing. Swipe right if you "like" them. Swipe left if you don't.

-Height: 6'5". Swipe Right

-"All my exes were crazy": Swipe Left

-"I want to settle down and have children someday": Swipe Right

-"Looking for something casual" Age: 40: SWIPE LEFT!

-"I'm close with my three sisters": Swipe Right

-All shirtless pics: Swipe Left

This was super fun at first. Now it's just exhausting. So many people repeating the same conversations over and over again. What do you do for work? What's your favorite color? Can I get your snap? (should have swiped left.) I was about to turn my phone on "Do Not Disturb" when I got a DM from a man named Calvin. Okay, let's take a look at his profile...

Calvin, looking for something serious. Loves his dog. Loves his family. Homeowner. Cute smile. Swipe Right.

A lunch date?

Calvin and I text back and forth for several days. He comes across as sweet and genuine. We both joke about missing the 90s, especially the Nintendo64. I express how much I miss Blockbuster and still think about it daily. (Seriously, Blockbuster is like my Roman Empire.) Being a single mom makes it challenging to find time for dating. We eventually agree on a lunch date on a Sunday after church. I remember thinking it might be a bit odd, but beggars can't be choosers.

I decide to go pretty casual for the date, wearing a hot pink sweater and black jeans. When I arrive at the restaurant, he pulls up next to me. The first thing he says when I get out of my car is, "Oh wow. You really are a mom. You like have a minivan." Throughout my dating experiences, I've noticed that men are oddly fascinated by my minivan...anyway.

We sit at the bar and order drinks and salads. He's more attractive in person. He shares his relief that I didn't catfish him, and I express the same relief. He's sweet, but the conversation is a bit slow. Typically, 30 minutes into a date, I've already decided if there will be a second one. With Calvin, it's more difficult. He hasn't done anything wrong. He's nice enough, but there's no chemistry. I can't figure out if it's because we're not a good match or because my mind is on someone else. Maybe that's why I quickly say "Sure!" when Calvin invites me to his house to play Mario Kart on his N64.

Perhaps we just need a little more time together to see where this goes...

A house in the woods

He suggests I follow him to his place and asks what I like to drink. I reply, "I probably don't need a drink, but if you have rosé, I might have a small glass." I get into my car and start following him, feeling increasingly anxious. What am I doing??? On a first date? Going to this guy's house? I don't even know him! Am I putting myself in danger? I quickly send his picture and name to all my friends and share my location. We've only been driving for about 5 minutes when he stops at a liquor store. He gestures that he'll "be right back." He comes out with not one, not two, but FOUR bottles of rosé. It's 2 PM, and there are only two of us. (Should I leave? No, no, just a few rounds of Mario Kart, and I can leave if necessary.)

We continue driving. I'm following him as it pours rain. We're on numerous back roads with twists and turns. I'm realizing we're in the middle of nowhere and that we've been driving for quite a while! He didn't mention how far away he lived! After forty, yes, FORTY minutes, he turns onto a long gravel driveway. I follow him. We're deep in the woods now, and I think, "Well...this is where I go to die."

White Boards

He has a stunning home and an adorable dog. He shows me around. The house is enormous, with natural lighting, a large fireplace, and a beautiful home gym. I'm truly impressed by his place. It's tidy and tastefully decorated. (Okay, maybe I was worried for nothing. This doesn't resemble a murder house.)

I do notice an intriguing detail in his home. Each room has a large whiteboard filled with various notes. I have to ask...

"Oh," he laughs nervously. "You noticed that, huh?"

He explains that he's trying to create the perfect day, so he tracks the time he spends in each room and what he does there to reflect and develop the ideal daily routine.

...Okay, that's a bit unusual, BUT maybe he just wants to be productive, or perhaps it's a therapy exercise he's working on. I decide not to dig deeper. He continues anyway...

Women! Am I right?

My fiancée found the whiteboards strange. Oh? Fiancée? This is new information. He proceeds to tell me that he bought the house for himself and his fiancée. They had been engaged for nearly a year until he ended the engagement and broke up with her. Not wanting to intrude, I try to steer the conversation elsewhere. However, he continues talking about her.

"She was terrible. You know? Just so basic? No depth, not intelligent, very dull." I nervously nod in agreement. "Actually, all women are like that. Women are terrible. I hate most women." Oh...no. I'm AM going to get murdered here. I start to shift my body away, creating more much-needed distance between us. Noticing my discomfort, he adds, "Oh, not like you though...you're great."

I nervously thank him but can't help myself. "Well, I'm pretty 'basic' too. I love Taylor Swift, iced coffee, and all things girly, so I might not have the emotional depth you're looking for either."

Smiles and Exit Plans

To his credit, he doesn't take offense at my recent comment. Instead, he tells me I'm mistaken and claims that even though he's only known me for a few hours, his gift allows him to understand me better than I understand myself. He's serious. He says he can already determine who I am with 79.30853% accuracy, and that percentage "will only rise as we continue our conversation."

"Oh...uh, cool," I respond. I've decided I no longer want to be on this date in the woods with this man who hates women but hasn't decided to hate me just yet. That's when I realize that dating as a single mom may be challenging, BUT you always have a built-in excuse to leave a bad date. I grab my phone, "Oh no! It seems my son needs me. I have to go now."

I take my keys and head towards the door. He follows and blocks my way. (...) He gives me the widest grin I've ever seen (think The Joker or The Cheshire Cat). Without saying a word, he leans in, positioning his face right in front of mine... full grin with teeth just inches away. We remain like that, his grinning face uncomfortably close for several awkward seconds until I finally say, "So this is super awkward." He giggles and steps aside. I rush out the door to my minivan and speed away from the driveway, never looking back.

When I finally arrive home 40 minutes later, there's a text on my phone.

"So I was wondering if you'd like to go out again sometime?"

Sorry Calvin...SWIPE LEFT.

The Creepy Calvin Epilogue

I thanked Calvin for a nice Sunday, but told him I don't think we are the best match. He says "OK."

Six months down the line, Calvin will appear on a social media app and send me a direct message: "Hey! I remember you haha. Are you still single?" This is when I realized that it's okay not to reply to messages sometimes. BOO. I'm a ghost.